


Marbellousy

by icterine



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-14
Updated: 2011-03-14
Packaged: 2017-11-06 17:37:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icterine/pseuds/icterine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jin has to face the biggest regret of his life when Kame walks back in his life, solidly hard and cold like marble and alarmingly hollow enough to crack for good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Marbellousy

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** Marbellousy  
>  **Beta:** Isa [pinkeuphoria1 on Livejournal]  
>  **Pairing:** Akame  
>  **Rating:** NC-17  
>  **Genre:** AU, Angst, Romance, Fluff  
>  **Disclaimer:** The characters are not mine.  
>  **Wordcount:** 11,800

The horror arrives on a late Tuesday afternoon in the form of a painfully familiar being with a suitcase clutched tightly in one hand and a Burberry duffel bag in the other. The look in the young man’s harsh eyes reminds Jin about the start of the unfortunate day in question – how the northern wind had howled in his ears and seemed to almost physically caress his very bones from within, how the thermometer had (to be quite frank) pissed him off big time once he actually managed to gather the courage (and enough layers of clothing) to go out and how the shivering and grumpy people hadn’t emitted the source of humane joy from under their thick woollen scarves and beanies which he normally feasts upon.

Needless to say, it hadn’t been all that delightful of a morning.

Yamapi arrives from behind the corner with an excited smile and a wink as he carries an enormous, neatly taped brown box in his arms. It’s only then that Jin returns to reality enough to step further inside the house to make room for the two visitors – except that one of them isn’t going to be a visitor, Jin realises and feels a cold tremble of anxious fear shaking his form.

The best he can do is hope from the very depths of his heart that Kame will grant him the first grimace he’s gotten from him in god knows how many years, shrug his shoulders and mumble something about the whole thing not being such a good idea after all, that he should and _would_ just go and that would be it, best regards for good this time. He sees his small wish shattering right before his eyes as Kame leaves his shoes in the tiny foyer and steps in, politely helping Yamapi with his box which is, by the sounds of it, filled with rattling belongings.

Jin wonders if bad luck is finally catching up with him. It still owes him a punch in the face for the surprisingly luxurious life he’s managed to obtain ridiculously easy since his high school days and Kame’s billion watt smiles.

Kame doesn’t have that familiar smile from Jin’s old memories plastered beautifully on his face, though. Not anymore.

“This is the person I was talking about. Kamenashi Kazuya, meet Akanishi Jin. Jin, this is Kamenashi,” Pi claps his hands together and grants them both enthusiastic pats on their scapulars. Jin does his best to swallow down the vile piece of imaginary something stuck in his throat. Kame looks him straight to his eyes before turning back to Yamapi in a joking yet deadly serious manner.

“We’ve met before. Old acquaintances,” he informs and Jin’s grateful they’ve gotten done with it, grateful that Kame has given them at least some sort of direction.

“ _Acquaintances_ ” doesn’t quite ring right enough, though. Then again, maybe now, after everything and in this particular situation they’re facing, it’s the safest tag they can put on. It’s all in the past anyway.

“You two know each other?” Yamapi’s eyes widen as he shifts them from one to the other. “Since when?”

“High school,” Jin hears his own voice muttering. He doesn’t dare to turn his gaze away from Kame’s now marble-pale and cold skin coating his slightly fleshier adult form. “We sort of fell out of touch, though.” Quite literally too.

A model he is nowadays, that much he remembers Yamapi mentioning about his “friend looking for an apartment”. Just funnily enough, considering he had been the one with the passion for photography, snapping pictures of Kame’s exotically gorgeous face and body in more unofficial photo-shoots than one. He’s sure he still has the pictures somewhere, gathering dust in albums he’s concealed in the storage cupboard to lock away the memories.

Kame’s radiance has had a 180° turnaround, Jin senses, and crosses his arms in defence as he studies the form that doesn’t look all that familiar after all. The warmth and innocent liveliness has been drained away and when their hands accidentally bump against each other when Jin offers to help with the bags, all he can feel is a smooth, chilly and _hard_ surface.

The softness is gone, in more ways than one. The cold, shielded and uncaring professionalism has taken over the once familiar laughter and soft bumping of the skin so that it doesn’t even yield from his touch anymore. Kame is rock-hard marble nowadays with a few fine scarred cracks decorating the skin on the backs of his hands. The marks disappear under his sleeves, climbing up somewhere where he isn’t able to see them anymore.

All Jin is able to feel is intense regret and shame as he takes in the harshness of reality and life depicted right before his eyes like a very alive sculpture of perfection, scary because things are just horribly _wrong_ under the pretty and deceitful surface.

He wonders if anyone else apart from them knows.

\--

Jin stares at the picture with the help of a flashlight to the ungodly hours, safely hidden under his duvet. He caresses his fingers warily over the smooth surface of the photograph and sucks on his lips in a nervously excited manner. He’s a hormone-overrun 17 year old teenager with a stupid little quirk – a quirk of taking in the smiles of the people around him and reflecting them in all authenticity.

At the left corner of the picture of a group of small boys running around a nearby park with plastic trucks in their hands and sand in their hair there is a boy many years older, a boy with his arm comfortably hooked around the chain of the swing he’s sitting on, legs bent in a lazy attempt to keep the movement constant. The boy doesn’t seem much younger than him, but it feels like there’s nothing in the world that can possibly ruin the content ear-to-ear smile he has on as he sits there on the swing all by himself. There’s a certain kind of _tranquillity_ that makes Jin think of stupid abstract things like _being one with the world_ and it makes his heart race happily just a few beats faster than usual, yet it oddly feels like the entire world is different.

He’s a reflector. Jin is. He takes in the brightest smile he remembers ever encountering and wonders how on earth he has managed to miss his existence at the moment the picture was taken, that moment he had been too sucked in by children’s play and camera-itching fingers.

But there he is, forever imprisoned in the shot where Jin just isn’t able to see the children anymore, not because of the sun-like radiance in the background, right there on the left corner, legs bent and a thin arm hooked around the moderately rusted chain. There he is.

Jin thinks that if he can just keep reflecting the boy’s smile from the photograph for the lifetime ahead, he’s going to be the happiest and luckiest guy in the mortal world.

\--

“So… how has life been?” Jin manages to utter out the following morning. Kame’s hair is fashionably ruffled with various kinds of hair products (or at least so Jin assumes) but he’s still wearing his forest-green t-shirt , black pyjama pants and a black robe decorated with pictures of red and fiery dragons. Kame finishes chewing his mouthful of freshly cooked vegetable and rice mix before he shrugs uninterestedly.

“It’s life,” comes the short and impersonal answer. “I heard you really became a photographer. Good for you.”

Kame speaks with an unfamiliar tone Jin learned to dislike right away. Then again, looking back at everything between them, he’s certain that it’s exactly what he deserves. He doesn’t get the kind reunion reaction or awkward silence – what he gets is an invisible wall that feels solid and the person he had once loved but isn’t even able to fully recognize anymore behind the closed-in harshness.

Against all the odds, the turtle has hid in his shell and, from what he can see, he’s reluctant to come out. The darkness has fallen to glaze over the once so vibrant eyes and restrict the familiar perky shuffling.

Jin loathes the world for ruining something once so beautiful, but can’t shake off the feeling that maybe it’s his own fault entirely, maybe it’s the prize of his own succession and delight when it comes to life. Maybe Kame is the skeleton he keeps inside his closet. The one he’s avoided facing for the good seven years they’ve been apart.

The marble fingers clang when they come in touch with the porcelain tea cup Kame raises to meet his lips. Jin’s eyes follow his throat as the man swallows before they turn away and start tracing the boring yet now suddenly extremely fascinating plain purple curtains one of his exes had happily sewed to him.

“We have to get rid of those,” Kame notes and Jin’s eyes snap back at him. Kame cocks his head towards the curtains. “The curtains. They’re hideous and need to go. I’ll get proper ones as soon as I can.”

Jin frowns and hides behind his coffee mug with a darkened expression. Just because Kame is unfortunately now, after a lot of stupid misunderstandings, his roommate, he’s still paying for the majority of the small apartment which should grant him the right to keep the house in whatever style he prefers.

He still finds himself stiffly nodding. Kame nods back, a smile still not present on his lips as he gets up and goes to wash his bowl and chopsticks. Jin just absently stares at the strained fabric coated over his toned back and lets his mind wander to places in the past and a possible alternative outcome for them.

Had things gone differently, Kame wouldn’t be a harsh picture of his old self carved in unevenly coloured yet forcefully smoothed marble. He would have soft flesh which Jin would be able to bury his fingers in as he would hold him in his arms. Kame would be warm to his touch and the most sensitive and loving human being ever granted to have the opportunity of a life on planet Earth.

Had he not done the mistakes he did in the past, maybe Kame could be humane too.

\--

Against all the odds in the big city they live in, their paths cross again. Before Jin even realises it, he’s reflecting the gorgeous smile from the picture as he studies the familiar figure feeding portly pigeons with a few slices of plain white bread.

He skips over and stops next to the younger boy who directs his gaze at him awkwardly. Jin offers his hand (his heart is beating _so hard_ ) and bites his lip nervously but jubilantly, excitement making his body tremble.

“Can I?” he asks. “It looks fun.”

With an amused laughter the boy extends his arm to offer him a slice. The birds around their feet start growing agitated and Jin rips a small piece of the bread and drops it to the ground, his smile growing even wider as he watches the birds gathering around the piece and fighting over it.

The boy breaks more bread and drops them to other places, making the hysteric group of pigeons part their ways on their quest for the tasty crumbs. Jin looks at him with a stupid smile he isn’t able to contain and wants to say something, _anything_ to start a conversation.

He doesn’t want to miss it this time, because there’s no guarantee he’ll ever get the opportunity again.

“What’s your name?” the boy manages to ask first though, throwing a small crumb at his face. Jin flinches and tries to take cover. The crumb falls between his feet and he cries out in shock as the birds attack it. The boy laughs and holds his hand to keep him still. “Don’t you dare to step on them!”

“I’m not stepping on them!” Jin objects through his pursed lips. “See, I’m not! And it’s Akanishi Jin.”

“Akanishi,” the boy nods with a warm smile that reminds Jin of countryside flower fields during the summer, blooming with vibrant colours under the golden rays of sun and swaying gently in the soft breeze. “You have a nice smile.”

“You too,” Jin manages to croak, squeezing the boy’s hand harder for a second before he realises what he’s doing and tries to hide his blush by forcibly stuffing bread in the boy’s mouth. It makes the boy back away but his eyes shine in genuine amusement which makes it completely worth the sudden impulse. “You’re funny,” Jin continues, trying to distract the birds by throwing the leftovers of the bread slice to the opposite direction. “What’s _your_ name?”

The boy’s eyes flash mischievously and he snickers as he feeds bread to Jin. He doesn’t really care about the taste, the bread is mostly tasteless – but the boy’s fingertips press soothingly on his lips for a small while as the soft piece gets pushed in.

It suddenly feels way dirtier than it is in reality.

“Tell me,” he tries to grumble through his stuffed mouth and swallows, still unable to shake off the sudden electricity in the air and dirty teenage mind. “I’m not a creeper, really!”

The boy breaks into an almost hysteric laughter and pats his shoulder dismissively. Jin feels his heart clenching as he walks away with one wave of a hand and doesn’t turn back in over ten steps.

He touches his lips sadly just as the figure turns around and breaks into another ground-breaking laughter. The boy slouches back and pushes dumbfounded Jin’s chest teasingly with his palm.

“If you want to know it, try a bit harder. What will I gain from giving you my name?”

The world lightens up again and Jin’s smirk reflects the boy’s, the teasing and overwhelming emotions way too easily accessible to him.

“If we’re going this far, can I just as well ask for your phone number to accompany the name?” he tries and taps the crook of the young boy’s nose. He loves the atmosphere around him.

He tells him.

By evening, he’s already receiving tons of text messages. It’s a bit funny, though, how the amount of tiny icons can easily exceed the amount of characters. It suits Kame, though.

He curses as his inbox gets full and he has to start selecting which messages he wants to save and which need to go.

\--

Kame’s so cold it’s unsettling. It’s like his nature has been switched with someone else’s. Maybe he’s always had it in him, but hasn’t let it bloom before Jin had gone and meddled with his heart. Quite possibly.

It doesn’t matter anymore, though.

What matters is _what is_ , currently. And “what is” isn’t anything exhilarating anymore. It’s the exact opposite.

Kame’s digging his own grave and he can’t find the words to make him stop. The “ _I hate to break it to you, but_ ” just doesn’t leave his lips as he quietly observes Kame walking around the house like his roommate would be anyone in the world but Jin. Like he doesn’t matter at all anymore.

He does, though, that much he knows. Otherwise Kame would treat him differently. He wouldn’t fight so hard to keep himself collected and keep him at a lengthy distance on mental level.

Jin rummages through his old belongings and digs up ancient photo albums of the two of them. He studies the pictures of two boys with stars in their eyes and wonders how they have become what they currently are. How something so strong can get so infected that it makes the pictures invert. How brightness becomes just _dark_.

The first picture he has ever taken of the boy catches his eye and he picks it up. He slides down to sit on the floor and presses a trembling hand over his mouth to keep the raging feelings locked in. He doesn’t want to be pathetic enough to cry, not even over something like this.

The love of his life is dead and never coming back, he tells himself. It’s just what he deserves for being the asshole he had been. Atonements are seven painfully long years too late.

\--

It’s a world just for the two of them, even the times they’re apart. Jin knows it’s more than friendship – maybe he’s known it all along. But the way their fingers entwine makes his still childish concept of love bloom in the sweetest ways emotion-wise.

They’re silent that day. It’s already late autumn but they still spend time outside – maybe it’s because of Jin’s love for every season in his photographs, or maybe it’s because Kame shines the brightest outdoors. There he can run around and spin stupidly, attracting everyone’s attention but giving his own only to Jin. Jin feels grateful.

Kame sits on his lap under a tree and pokes his fingers through the fallen leaves on the ground. It’s kind of silly but Jin has always been into silly things, so he rips small holes in the leaves himself and attaches them to thin strands of Kame’s light brown dyed hair.

He’s making a Kame-tree, he chuckles to himself as his fingers work hesitantly, afraid of pulling too harshly and hurting the younger boy. After a while Kame jumps up on his feet and skips away, starting to mimic a tree further away. Jin isn’t able to contain a smile and he chuckles at the boy’s silly expression. It’s way too serious for his face. Kame just isn’t able to hide the happy gleam in his eyes to be serious enough.

Jin picks up his camera and takes several shots of the younger boy. He takes pictures of him standing next to another tree, looking up wonderingly, acting scared and pulling on some branches with some of their leaves gripped between his teeth.

He throws his snack apple at Kame’s direction and the smaller boy yelps as he dodges it. Jin takes pictures as he runs after it, picks it up and takes a good aim at him – only then it strikes him that he should probably take cover and he ducks to the ground, gripping his camera under him, afraid of Kame accidentally breaking it.

The apple, however, flies about a metre above where his head had previously been. It’s intentional, Jin knows – Kame loves baseball and is quite a pitcher, and Jin is well aware that he doesn’t simply _miss_ an easy shot like that except if it’s on purpose.

“Jerk,” he yells at him and Kame fetches the apple before he returns, ripping the leaves off his hair and fingers.

“You always have your camera with you,” Kame notes. “Do you even get all those photos printed?”

“M-hmm,” Jin answers with a nod, snapping another picture of Kame’s face so close now. “That’s why you pay for my lunch so often.”

Kame laughs and sits down next to him, taking the camera from his hands. Jin lets him – he trusts Kame with his belongings, and he’s sure Kame knows the emotional value of the object he’s holding. In a way it’s his heart, that camera of his. He knows Kame will treat it accordingly.

With a firm grip of short fingers Kame turns the camera gently around and leans closer against Jin, pressing against his chest. Jin feels his breathing becoming awkwardly laboured as he looks at Kame nervously, unable to move around because he doesn’t want to move away but rubbing against Kame would just make him even more nervous, he knows, because he really _has_ started developing feelings for the younger boy.

Kame’s eyelids flutter as he turns to face Jin and it makes Jin gulp, afraid of all of his emotions being visible on his face. He isn’t sure what he’s afraid of, because it’s not like he’s afraid of the feeling itself – maybe he’s afraid of rejection, he concludes anxiously. Afraid of being denied of the sunshine in his life.

When Kame’s lips press against his experimentally, Jin feels the soft tremble and knows that he isn’t the only one. He breathes in shakily before he tries to answer slowly, his own eyelids sliding shut as he gently sucks Kame’s lip in.

He hears the camera taking a picture and chuckles, brushing their noses together amidst the kiss. He breathes against Kame’s face before he returns to his lips, focusing on the soft feel of them and the slight movements as they caress his. The camera shutter keeps going off and Kame whimpers contently, gathering enough courage to press better against him.

The kiss stops, but their faces remain close, tingling. Jin has his arms wrapped around Kame’s lithe torso and from the corner of his eyes he sees Kame’s hand shakily setting the camera back on the ground. Their fingers entwine against Kame’s side and Jin rocks them gently, feeling nervous but exceptionally good, so good he hasn’t ever known the level exists. Euphoric in a calm way.

“Get this set printed for me too,” Kame requests softly, lips still brushing against his. Jin breathes in his mouth and listens to the faint sound of their racing heartbeats. He can feel the sun’s warmth prickling on his goose-bumped skin.

He nods and kisses Kame again, more confidently this time. He doesn’t want to miss any opportunities he has anymore.

\--

“You need to fix yourself,” he regretfully snaps at Kame one day. Their eyes meet and Kame cocks a lazy eyebrow almost amusedly. “I’m serious.”

“And you suddenly care? I’m not a child anymore, Jin, that’s what has changed,” he scoffs, pink tongue briefly licking his lips. “I’m not the only one who’s changed. It’s been a long time.”

He hates how Kame can make the blood running right under the surface layer of his skin feel like acid eating him up alive. He eyes him from afar and tries to stabilize his breathing. He doesn’t want to be as weak as he is. It doesn’t feel right. Years’ worth of contentment is gone now that the bit of regret has resurfaced and refuses to leave him alone.

“Those scars aren’t pretty,” he notes, motioning towards Kame’s hands. “Your defence mechanism obviously sucks. And you avoid me, why did you even move in if it’s so hard for you?”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Kame’s concrete-hard and headstrong voice objects as he turns properly towards Jin to look him in his eyes. Kame crosses his arms and scoffs, head tilting slightly to the left. “I’m not a weakling. I’m not a bird with his wings ripped away. You don’t affect me anymore. That’s all in the past.”

He has hard time breathing as the icy words claw at him. Jin sniffs and remains still on his position with his back against the boringly white wall of the narrow corridor. There’s a pull somewhere at the corner of his lips he tries to ignore as he holds Kame’s penetrating gaze from across the small hall.

“I think you’re lying,” he hears the faint croak echoing in the silence of the room. It’s spoken with his own voice. There are things he leaves unsaid, though. Stupid, cliché things such as _I think you’re lying to yourself_ and _just look at you_.

Kame’s empty yet harsh expression doesn’t even falter as he walks over slowly, in a threatening manner that makes Jin wince. He can feel his muscles strain when Kame’s breath grazes his face.

Then he feels the rocky fingers burying themselves in his hair, tugging a little to tilt his head in a more comfortable position for a short and painful kiss.

Jin has imagined it more than once, he admits, but none of the imaginary feelings do any justice to the rush of sensations that flow over him. It isn’t even a positive feeling, no – there’s no tender love or atonement included, just the disgusting feeling of suddenly overwhelming _rage_ and something breaking. Shattering.

He grasps Kame’s shirt and tries to catch his breath as he stares at the man’s eyes with equally cold ones, but whereas Kame’s emotions probably (at least seemingly) stop there, he’s sure his own eyes are a portal to something much, much more. The years’ worth of conflicting emotions switch on full blast all at once and he swallows hard, refusing to let Kame back away. Not even one centimetre.

“We aren’t finished,” he growls with a low voice, fists shaking and mouth dry. “We aren’t finished before you’re fine again. Not this time.”

“I am fine.”

“No, you are not!” Jin roars and their foreheads bump together. It’s hard to make sense of Kame’s face anymore now that they’re so close. “No one believes that shit. You’ve hardened yourself too much. It’s not a shield, Kame. It’s your downfall. One good blow and you’re shattered to pieces.”

“Maybe that’s why I am hard,” Kame hisses venomously back. “So people like you won’t ever manage to break me again. I’m hard enough to survive you. That’s well enough.”

“You’ve lost everything beautiful about you. Only the shell remains,” Jin spits back spitefully, hand snaking to grasp a firm hold of the fabric between Kame’s shoulder blades. “You aren’t alive. And that is what will destroy you. …You’re not supposed to be hard,” he feels his own voice choking as he buries his face under Kame’s chin. “Hard things eventually shatter. You won’t be able to join the pieces back together. You’re supposed to be _soft_ so you can recover, even on your own.”

“I’m hard enough to survive you.”

“Show me,” Jin dares him and pulls back slightly, eyes narrowed as he lets his hands slide to Kame’s shoulders. "Prove it to me.”

Kame’s lips crash on his demandingly and, for the first time in his life, Jin truly feels like he understands _love_ – it’s the ugliest and most hurtful emotion he remembers ever encountering, one that makes him want to explode right there and then, scream in fury and go crazy like a severely insane mental institution patient. He fucking hates it and regrets ever letting himself fall in love.

Strong and stony arms wrap themselves tightly around Jin’s form and he follows the cold touch towards the other man’s bedroom, the rate of his heart palpitation increasing with every pound. Kame stays firmly attached to the shared kiss and when Jin feels his calves hitting the metallic bedframe, he crashes to sit on it, hands located at the nape of Kame’s smooth neck, pulling him down along.

They pull their own shirts off and Kame forces him further on the bed, taking the dominance over the situation as he climbs over Jin and keeps making him writhe on the mattress with his moist and hard kisses. Jin is certain they’re bruising his skin.

Kame’s palms travel devouringly up and down Jin’s chest and sides, thumbs swiftly caressing his nipples as they go. When Kame crouches down to plant rough kisses and suck on them, his tongue twirling around the nubs and lapping at them, Jin wraps his legs around his hips and whimpers gently in his ear. His voice sounds like it would be breaking and it surprises even him – why would he break? For all he knows, apart from the mixed feelings about the whole situation, he’s feeling great and more than ready to join with Kame again for the first time in over seven years.

It’s just sex, though, he has to remind himself. Nothing has changed between them, not really. Sex is just something that has been bound to eventually happen between them. It can never reach the level of a catharsis per se, but it’s an outlet of sorts for the strong emotions they’ve contained for so long.

For Jin, it’s a desperate attempt to restore the fragments and beg for forgiveness. If only he would manage to break Kame down, shatter him for good. Maybe this time he would be there to catch him and hold him tightly to ensure a better outcome than the marble and emotionless monster.

Then he suddenly feels. It happens as Kame’s fingers fumble his jean’s button and fly open, when his fingers pull their jeans and undergarments off, that’s when he feels him, feels the swirl of harsh emotions he doesn’t have names for. Kame’s form casts a shadow over him and Jin rises to the support of his elbows to kiss Kame’s neck and shoulders in a gentler way. Kame trembles.

Jin’s afraid of a tidal wave but feels his stupidity increasing as it draws closer and closer. He can feel it in his fingertips as they run down Kame’s toned stomach; he can feel it in the sudden gentler way Kame’s head tilts to lock his face where it is, lips gently brushing Kame’s neck under his jaw line. He wants to see the horrors when it unleashes and breaks Kame’s barricades, breaks free from within.

His nails rake at Kame’s back and the musky scent of sweat and hormones flood his second by second more sensitive nerve receptors, making his head go fuzzy. He grunts and raises his hips to rub them together against Kame’s with a grimace on his face. Kame pushes him properly down on the bed with a creak and reaches for the bedside drawer. After a while of shuffling and marble clanking against wood and numerous other things, he feels a finger spreading lube around his entrance and penetrating it experimentally. It makes him wince and hiss but somehow it’s all good – he isn’t even able to feel bothered that it’s Kame who’s going to fuck him rather than the other way around. It makes no difference.

Kame’s finger isn’t cold either. The warmth radiates oddly from within as he bends his finger and searches for the spot and – there it is. Jin mewls and arches his body, hips jolting shakily. His heart just races faster and faster and his erection starts firming as blood rushes down painfully.

Another finger is added and Jin bites his lip, hand trying to grasp a hold of anywhere on Kame. His fingers bury themselves in the brown hair and he grips it tightly, pulling Kame forward a little as he tries to contain the loudest noises. He isn’t quite sure he wants to give them.

A hoarse gasp leaves his lips as Kame removes his fingers and wipes them clean against the mattress before he guides Jin’s hips into a better position and helps his member slide in. Jin feels his eyes rolling back and he gasps, tensing around the erection inside of him. It’s been _so long_ and their bodies have changed but it’s still all good if not even better, much, much better. Joined bodies have never felt so good together.

Jin keeps his eyes closed as he tries to adjust to the intrusion. He clings to Kame’s upper body and feels the younger man gently kissing his ear, moist lips brushing and a tongue occasionally twirling to examine the curved grooves. It tickles and makes lazy shivers run under his skin. His lips part for quiet gasps against Kame’s shoulder and he bites down to it.

He claims Kame’s lips with his own shakily and grants him a kiss that stays gentle. It turns everything blissfully hot and makes Kame start rocking his hips, first gently and experimentally as if to remember the forgotten feeling, but later increasing in speed and distance back and forth. Jin moans and arches his back with several spasms. He isn’t completely sure whether it’s from trying to get into a more comfortable position or from the sexual pleasure.

The minutes tick by and Jin loses it more and more with every pound, eyes frantically searching for Kame’s at any given moment. He loses it and when he presses his ear against Kame’s shoulder he can _hear the hollow inside_ in a scary way.

Kame isn’t alright; he knows and has known it all along. Kame isn’t fine as he kisses him like a leech sucking the blood and life out of him. His fingers bury themselves in Jin’s soft flesh so hard it actually _does_ hurt more than he likes and the whimpers that travel past his lips are everything but collected and emotionless. Kame’s kiss tastes salty even though Jin isn’t able to detect any tears, but then again that might just be Kame’s dinner.

They’re glued to each other tightly when they come, Jin first and Kame maybe about five seconds later (Jin isn’t confident he counts it right while experiencing his own orgasm). Kame pulls out of him and wipes them clean with his duvet. Jin feels his hands shaking as he pulls him back down in his arms.

Kame’s heartbeat still races. It’s strong and lively. His hand hesitantly lands on Jin’s hip and even though Jin sees just a dishevelled mass of brown hair, he senses Kame’s weakness, never mind the still rock-hard touch.

It takes him a few silent moments of bliss before hell suddenly breaks loose – and to his fear, it arrives from his own depths, surely and sharply and as icy as he remembers Kame being all those days before, if not even icier.

“You’re _disgusting_ ,” he breathes out, voice laced with raw loathing. “You’re a weak and selfish bastard, Kamenashi. Always so full of yourself but when it comes down to it, you’re just hiding behind tons of ridiculous excuses and masks such as that pale and hard face of yours,” he tells and Kame sits up with a pained jolt. Jin detects the wild look of fear in his eyes, the fear of something he isn’t able to stop because it’s coming at him with a speed way faster than what he needs to recover his shield. “You don’t care about anyone but yourself. All of this shit is created just to save your own sorry ass. I despise people like you. _Despise_.”

Kame shakes and when their eyes meet, his face is so horribly blank and eyes glazed that Jin fails to breathe. Then there’s a fragment of a second filled with _stillness_.

He wishes it would stop right there and then. He doesn’t want to know the result of his actions. His hair stands at the edge and he feels a strong shiver travelling up his spine. It feels like he’s going to choke.

Then there’s an ear-wrecking _crack_ and Kame’s face fractures right before his eyes. It all happens in one pained snap and then the moment is gone, leaving behind diverging lines as remainders of the blow he himself had delivered on Kame when his shield hadn’t been quite so hard, when his defence had been down and he had been only fragile enough to break and fracture from the smallest of touch, never mind his harsh words.

Kame’s eyes are wide and he recovers from the shock slowly, pressing his trembling fingers on the bleeding wounds on his once so beautiful face. The blood smears and the flow keeps increasing. Jin hears the quiet drips against the mattress and flinches. He’s unable to move more.

Kame doesn’t make a sound – not even a small and heartbroken cry. He stumbles to get up with his hands pressed on the wounds and staggers out of the room with an incredible speed, disappearing to the hallway and leaving a dirty and shameful Jin behind.

He murmurs a silent whisper of “ _Kame_ ” and manages to pull his dark boxer-briefs on before following the sounds inside the house that lead him to the bathroom with a familiar yet frail form sitting on the toilet seat with a dark towel pressed against his face. It’s soaking through.

“ _Get. Out_ ,” a violently shaking voice demands. It gives Jin goose bumps but his feet won’t carry him away, not from this sight.

He’s broken Kame all over again, and all it had taken was a few badly selected words combined with a moment when he hadn’t thought first before he talked. A moment when he had just let his emotions loose.

“Kame, I –”

“OUT!” Kame roars and gets up on his feet, towel-covered face directed at his voice. Jin backs away from the toilet and Kame slams the door shut and locks it, leaving Jin out.

It doesn’t really matter that he isn’t getting a shower. Little things cease mattering. He had no right. He had absolutely no right.

The image of the crack on Kame’s face refuses to erase itself from his mind, staring at him in vibrant colours and detailed to the tiniest gleam in Kame’s anguished eyes in that frozen second. It’s all there like a nightmare he isn’t able to wake up from anymore.

He throws his clothes on and gets out of the nightmare house.

He’s always feared dolls. Ever since the days from when he was young.

\--

Jin ruffles Kame’s hair and pushes a pair of glasses on his crooked nose. He steps back to adore his handiwork as Kame smirks at him flirtingly, turning around for a full circle which makes the scarf tied around his hips flow in a tempting way. Jin smiles and bites his lip, taking in the view of Kame on the city streets, in his eyes more gorgeous than anyone else who happens to pass by.

“I think you only miss this,” Jin compliments him cheerfully and hands over a carton mug of Starbuck’s coffee. “Now you look perfect.”

Kame flips the necklace he’s wearing the right way around and pats the cup, unable to clap his hands while he’s holding it. “Alright! Then here we go… What do you want me to do?”

“Look good?” Jin laughs as he switches his camera on and starts messing with the settings. He takes a couple of pictures to make sure the settings have been perfected. “Happy. Desired.”

“How about cool?” Kame tries and leans against a brick wall, posing for him with the cup set on his raised thigh. Jin snaps a picture.

“We could go with cool, yes,” he agrees. Kame flashes him a smile and pulls him from his arm, running ahead through the crowd.

“I know from where I want a picture!” he exclaims excitedly as he turns back to look at Jin who holds on dearly to his camera as he tries to keep up.

Kame leads him to a huge intersection crosswalks and driveways. The lights are red and they join the mass waiting for green, dosed up on adrenaline and dopamine. Kame chuckles as cars drive by and the enormous screen far above them keeps playing a boring news program he doesn’t really care less for at the moment.

When the lights turn green, Kame starts walking with the people to the middle of the road. Jin dodges away to get a better aim and grimaces as people get on the way. It’s just like Kame to choose the most difficult locations, but it makes him improve, he swears as he keeps waiting for the right moment.

Kame stands still amidst the walking crowd. He’s detached from time and life, completely on his own overlapping universe as he stands there. Jin snaps a picture and waves his hand to call Kame back over before the lights turn red, and he sees him rushing before he checks the picture on his camera, amazed at the slightly hurtful and calm expression Kame can have on his face once the bright gleam he usually has on gets hidden.

When Kame comes back, Jin wraps his arm around his shoulder and pulls him close, starting to walk ahead the road again. Kame takes the camera from him and checks the picture excitedly himself, letting out an excited “Hell yes!” that makes Jin know he’s pleased with the shot.

“I want to keep doing this in the future too,” Kame smiles at him widely, eyes full of glimmer from the neon lights around. “You could become a photographer and I could become a model. We could collaborate.”

Jin nods in agreement and pecks Kame’s lips lightly, making him giddy and mischievous again. Kame wraps a hand around his hips and keeps him close as they walk.

“I’m in love with you, Jin,” Kame finally admits after a moment of silence. Jin smiles at him and kisses him a bit more fully – and he can feel it. Feel the love that blurs the world around them and gives him a sense of calmness he doesn’t remember experiencing before. Like it’s alright to just stay in the moment and he doesn’t really want it to end.

“Maybe I love you too,” he speculates teasingly and tickles Kame’s side, making him yelp and jerk.

Then they laugh again, hard enough to get tears in their eyes.

\--

“You need to find another roommate,” Kame informs him a week later. After the unfortunate incident, Jin hasn’t dared uttering a word to the younger man. To his defence though, it hasn’t been like Kame would’ve tried either. No.

The days have been spent in different rooms. For the majority of the time, Kame’s been out doing whatever he does when he’s outside and when he returns home, it’s usually to bed, or at least his own room. They don’t even dare to look at each other.

“You can’t stay here anymore?” Jin gulps and licks his lips nervously, a habit he remembers getting from Kame during the days of their happier youth. Kame scoffs bitterly and crosses his arms. He manages to look him in the eye, but Jin can tell it takes a lot of power and strength Kame forces himself to obtain.

“No one wants to hire someone who looks like he just hit a psychotic fit and slashed his face open,” he answers, voice stable but spoken with a tone too delightful to be believable. “My career is over. I can’t even get a job at a fucking supermarket. So I can’t really afford this luxury anymore,” Kame waves his hand dismissively around the hall. “I’ll stay here until the end of next month, but then I really need to leave.”

“Where will you go?” Jin hears his voice asking. He speaks too quickly to hide how desperate he is for Kame to stay. Because he _is_ desperate.

He just doesn’t want him to disappear. Not again. Even if it he had been the one disappearing the last time. He just isn’t sure if he can handle Kame gone for a second time anymore.

“If I manage to get a job I’ll get a cheaper apartment where I can. If not, I’m moving in with a friend,” Kame informs him, his gaze starting to slowly leave his eyes.

Kame isn’t able to look at him for long anymore. It hurts.

“…I used to pay for this whole place on my own. You can stay,” he croaks and Kame snorts disbelievingly, shaking his head. Jin fears the beaten posture and fragile atmosphere that starts taking over the younger man again. “You can _stay_.”

“You want to pay for my living?” Kame scoffs and shakes his head, starting to turn his entire body around. “You know how we are.”

“You can stay,” Jin presses, muscles strained and fists clenched. His mouth feels dry. “I’m sorry for the last time. …Please. Please stay. I want you to stay. I don’t want to part like this.” He doesn’t want to part again.

Kame licks his lips and crosses his arms. He flinches away from Jin and it makes him worry so badly. So, so very badly.

“…My career is over,” Kame says quietly and his voice cracks. Jin can see the tiny fractured-glass-like scratches running down Kame’s once so smooth throat. “I’m ruined now. Not only am I ruined mentally, but now my body is too damaged to be considered worthy anymore. My effort doesn’t matter anymore. It makes no difference. …I’m ruined.”

Kame sniffs violently and turns all the way around. Jin feels an iron fist clenching around his chest. It makes it difficult to breathe as he just watches Kame’s trembling shoulders and lowered head.

The old Kame had never looked anything alike.

“I still think you’re gorgeous,” Jin whispers and Kame flinches, refusing to turn around to face him. Maybe he fears he’ll just shatter him once again like he has done before, or maybe he fears that he can bring out other kinds of inhumane monsters out of him. Jin doesn’t know. He never does.

“Doesn’t matter. A model with a scar like this plastered all over his face isn’t getting hired. I’ve got no choice but to quit,” Kame breathes in shakily. “I’m not sufficient anymore.”

“…Let me take the last pictures,” Jin requests gently, voice hoarse. “I’m trying to get a job in editorial photography for magazines. Let me get you in my portfolio.”

Kame turns around, the look in his eyes lost and exhausted. Jin feels the silent pain prickling inside the frail and pale form and he holds his breath, wondering if he’s asked for too much. Maybe he has.

“…Alright,” Kame answers and wipes his nose absently. “Last ugly pictures.”

Jin prepares him. He powders Kame’s face even whiter than it already is and applies dark eyeliner. The apathetic look in Kame’s eyes reminds Jin of a ghost. It’s almost as if he’d already be ready to leave, shatter, become dust and fly away with the wind. He’s too damaged and at the end of his road. It’s just a dead end now. No more crossroads. Not in his eyes.

He’s not at his best, and he’s certainly not ready for work, Jin knows. To be honest, he’s known all along.

He adjusts his light equipment and positions Kame before a black fabric. He snaps a picture and Kame grimaces in disgust, crossing his arms in defence and turning away sniffing.

“What do you want? For a pose,” Kame’s voice croaks and he sniffs again. Jin knows that even if he would be looking for something special, Kame wouldn’t be able to deliver. Even if he’s always delivered before in any conditions… it’s over now. It’s all over for him.

That, too, is Jin’s entire fault.

“What you feel now,” he answers and their eyes meet, both hesitant and wary. A couple of seconds pass, during which Jin takes a deep breath to calm himself down and positions himself back behind the safety of his camera. Kame sucks at his pale and worn lips with a still-healing gash over them when Jin snaps another picture.

It’s just like that for a few hours. Picture after picture of despair and misery, dead ends and loneliness. Kame doesn’t cry. Jin doesn’t think he’s able to.

“I can’t live like this,” Kame finally bursts out with a strained voice and sits to the ground. He rocks where he sits and trembles like a small child with his parents lost, all alone and fearful of the outside world and its dangers. “I can’t recover.”

“You shouldn’t,” Jin tells him and sets his camera on the table before he heads over and kneels down next to Kame’s small form and pulls him in a gentle hug. He rubs Kame’s neck and back gently and sees the appearing cracks. He ignores them.

Kame’s right. He isn’t going to make it the way he is.

“You need another approach,” he murmurs gently and guides Kame’s face to rest against his shoulder. Kame’s stiff like he wouldn’t be used to being held anymore and maybe he isn’t – with the way he’s been, Jin wouldn’t be surprised at all. “…You need to get soft again.”

Kame’s fingers gently caress his arm and his nose presses tighter against Jin’s shoulder, caving in. His breaths are laboured and weak and all of it makes Jin peck the top of his head gently.

“I won’t let go of you this time,” he whispers reassuringly. “This time I’ll be here to see you stand on your feet again.”

“Make me soft,” Kame’s voice trembles miserably. “How can I become soft again?”

“Let’s start out just by doing this,” Jin whispers and closes his own eyes as he sets his chin on Kame’s shoulder. “For now, just this is fine.”

It’s the first time he hears Kame genuinely laugh in years. It isn’t exactly a _happy_ laughter. It’s mostly tearful.

Still, it has a faint chime that reminds Jin of the better days of youth – the days filled with sunshine and laughter. And that, for him, certainly must’ve been true happiness people aren’t able to obtain with just about anyone anywhere.

How they have ever managed to, he isn’t sure.

\--

Jin caresses Kame’s naked shoulders in a bored manner as they sit on the bed. He rests his head against Kame’s nape and keeps staring out of the window. Kame feels tense and uneasy on his lap.

“Are you tired?” a concerned voice questions him. The words are spoken with Kame’s voice and Jin grumbles against the skin bare to his touch from the shirt’s large neckline. Kame is lively but uneasy in his arms as he turns around to look at him. “Jin?”

“Sure,” he mutters and wraps his arms around Kame in a well-learned manner. Kame frowns, not quite believing him.

“You’re not jumping me.”

“Should I?” Jin questions him with a heavy exhale. “I don’t really feel like it right now. It hasn’t been all that long since the last time.”

“…Sometimes I could swear you’re not a man,” Kame rolls his eyes and turns around to sit opposite to him. He wraps his arms around Jin’s nape and his fingers play with his hair as he tilts his head questioningly again. “Are you _bored_?”

Jin thinks about it before he’s awakened from his thoughts by a sudden hurt expression on Kame’s face. He quickly shakes his head in refusal.

“Nah, just tired. Don’t press on me like that,” he mutters and pecks Kame’s oddly shaped lips. “We don’t absolutely _have to_ have so much sex, do we?”

“…No,” Kame agrees, still disbelieving and concerned. “Is there anything wrong?”

“Nope,” Jin answers with a light tone, pecking Kame’s lips again. “Not really.”

Kame sighs to the peck and ruffles Jin’s hair. He shrugs.

“It’s just sex,” he agrees. “We’re having fun even if we have less, I get that. It’s not like that’s why I’m with you.”

“Nope, not at all,” Jin agrees with a shake of his head. “It’s not like we’re _stopping_ it completely either. Just not now, I don’t feel like it.”

“Girl,” Kame accuses him teasingly and falls down on the bed with a smirk on his face. Jin rolls his eyes and feels tense and grumpy.

He looks at the outside world through his window. It’s full of possibilities. It’s new and surprising, waiting for him right outside the thick glass.

It’s more interesting than Kame lying on his bed once again, pulling on every string of his like he would’ve been playing with a mere puppet in a theatre to please himself. Even if that would just be in his own head.

\--

“What is softness?” Kame’s numb voice whispers from the dimness. The room has been mostly silent as they’ve spent the evening lying on the bed, sides brushing against each other. Jin can hear the sharp ticking of a clock somewhere on the wall on the left, probably near the simple white door.

“Love and appreciation,” he answers after a moment of thoughtful hesitation and shifts to get into a better position. “Softness is… feeling. Mostly positive things,” he admits, “but… positive things feel good because of the counterbalancing negativity. Sadness… is important. I think it’s somehow about forgiveness,” he wonders as his eyes trace the patterns of the painted wood of the ceiling. “The ability to love someone so much you can forgive him for being annoying and occasionally an asshole, because you would never be able to give up the good emotions he gives you.”

Kame doesn’t answer, not for a long while. Seconds turn into miserable minutes and Jin senses the familiar guilt and anxiety creeping up again. He doesn’t look in Kame’s direction but turns his head the other way. It doesn’t take away the feeling of Kame breathing against his nape, though.

There are so many unspoken words between them, too many and too often. The sad thing is that they can still read them from the silence, as unbelievable as it sounds. Sometimes Jin doesn’t want to. Sometimes he wishes they could speak their feelings out loud. Discuss things rather than let them be.

He wonders if simple things like that are worth the pain.

“You don’t have to choose me to love or anything,” Jin whispers ashamedly, self-hatred audible in his voice. “I’ve done things to you. Things you’re not required to ever forgive. …You can just use me,” he gives his permission and enlaces their fingers firmly. “To get back on your feet, you know. I owe that to you.”

There’s a moment of silence and Jin feels his hope slowly disappearing. Kame’s fingers feel slightly warm in his hands and his thumb rubs Jin’s index finger soothingly.

“…Why did you do it?” the hesitant and silent voice asks him and Jin gets flashbacks – flashbacks of the heartbroken look on Kame’s shut-off face. He sees the once so bright smile dying and turning into the most painful kind of despair and closes his eyes, trying to block the memories the best he can. Often it just leaves him numb. It’s impossible to block bad emotions without doing the same to the good ones.

The worst thing about the whole issue is that he had been sober to begin with when he had done what he had.

“I lost myself,” he answers through ever-so-slightly trembling lips, eyes frantically tracing the wooden patterns in the ceiling again. Faces. “I was an unappreciative bastard who just wanted to be free a little while longer. Who didn’t want to be a responsible adult.”

He sniffs and closes his eyes, locking the revolting sensation of tears and nausea inside. Kame’s fingers grasp his hand a little bit tighter and Jin listens to the man’s stabile breathing. It sounds pained, yes, like Kame would be trying really hard to keep himself together and where he is. To do _something_.

They’re clawing at wounds that still haven’t closed and scarred properly.

“…I forgive you,” Kame whispers and Jin turns his head to face him. He doesn’t believe it, can’t believe it – but then again, there’s the way Kame stares in his eyes and the imaginary feeling of his hands wrapped gently around his neck. Right there, but never hurting. “I want _you_ , Jin. I always did. And you told me I should be forgiving,” he smiles tiredly but surely, eyelashes fluttering as he raises their entwined hands on his stomach. “Don’t take your words back now when I’m trying so hard.”

“…I should have always wanted just you too,” Jin bites his lip guiltily. “I was young and stupid and made all the wrong choices.”

“You didn’t,” Kame answers and the tiny smile dances on his lips. “You chose me too. Thanks to you, we met.”

It’s ridiculous that even after all the needless drama they’ve gone through, Kame can still sound sincerely grateful for such a little thing. Sometimes Jin thinks their lives would be easier had he never approached the younger boy. Most of the times, though, he knows that he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I love you,” he tells with as strong a voice as he can produce, looking Kame straight in the eyes. Kame’s smile turns tenderer, and the familiar faint and weak smile plays on his lips, but it’s more than that – the hand he holds feels softer to his touch.

“As long as it isn’t just another phase,” Kame nods. Jin licks his lips and knows that it isn’t. Phases don’t go on for years and years.

He shuffles closer to wrap an arm around Kame and kiss him on the lips.

The shadows of the room are comfortable. It’s a private moment for two.

He kisses the pink scars on Kame’s face and holds his hand in a strong grip.

“We’ll recover,” he promises Kame stubbornly. “All of these things will be in the past and we’ll be what we were. Young and full of love and life. But this time there will be genuine and adult-like commitment too.”

“I’d like that,” Kame heaves an answer contently, eyelids slid shut. His body texture still feels hard, but when Jin nibs on it, he swears it’s slightly extensible.

He reminds himself not to pull too hard. He’s done enough damage already.

He’ll rather drown in the sweet happiness.

\--

He’s out with his friends. They hit their favourite arcade and fool around. A couple of girls come over and the group happily chats and flirts, everyone to everyone and Jin works his charm, enjoying its succession. He’s mischievous and tempting, full of possibilities like Kame so very often is, and they end up leaving the arcade with the girls, joking around and touring the city like a bunch of cool delinquents.

The best thing about everything is how his ego gets a boost. He doesn’t feel quite so sissy anymore when he reflects the irresponsible group, smoking a few cigarettes from the girls, glaring at the people passing them by on the streets with disapproving looks and laughing afterwards. It’s all cool.

What he doesn’t feel like is being girly. He has full power over himself with no distractions like unnecessary affectionate emotions all fixated on only one person. He feasts on the freedom and gets touchy with more than one of the girls. There’s something tempting about them. One of them is exceptionally cute, but not all that much of a good girl. She’s fascinating. Full of hard edges and desire for things in the shadows.

He doesn’t really know how it happens. Suddenly he just feels _so angry_ at Kame. He feels rebellious and manly, like he’s the one in power, free to do whatever he pleases.

Fucking the girl is a stress relief. The nail marks she leaves on his back burn like acid and it feels fucking good and amazing and _wrong_.

Panic hits him only when he comes back home too late and Kame waves concernedly from the kitchen. His mother sits before him and it seems like they’ve been chatting for a longer time with their empty tea cups sitting on the table before them. From the living room he hears the sound of his father and brother watching their favourite TV-show while commenting on it loudly.

“Kame came over,” his mother greets him. Kame nods at him.

“I hope you don’t mind.”

He does mind, he realises as he watches him in a frozen state. Yes, he does fucking mind. But it’s not because of Kame coming over out of affection, no. It’s because he’s done something incredibly stupid and, as Kame’s frown starts growing more and more concerned when he studies his horrified face, he realises that the atmosphere he sucks in has changed and he’s infected the one he’s around the most with his ridiculously childish actions.

“What’s wrong?” Kame tries questioning him when they get to the privacy of his room. Jin’s mother has set a futon on the floor waiting for Kame, the one they rarely use but she doesn’t have to know that.

“Nothing,” Jin answers and ruffles Kame’s hair absently. “I was out with the guys.”

“Yeah, I know, you told me,” Kame frowns. “I wasn’t asking about that.”

“I’m stressed and tired,” Jin snaps, unable to look at Kame properly. He needs to collect himself. He needs to hide it somewhere deep inside before he can bear to look at him in the eyes again. “Let’s just sleep. Seriously. I have exams coming up and everything so let’s just drop this.”

Kame nods and watches Jin as he removes his jeans and pulls on some cosy college-pants. Jin dives under the sheets and Kame sits by his bed, not lying down.

Maybe his aura is pushing Kame away harsher than he even realises, because after a while, Kame silently goes to switch the lights off and doesn’t return. Jin gratefully hears him shuffling on the futon and he bites his lip, trying to contain the fear of having Kame in the same room.

His betrayal doesn’t want to sink under the surface and stay hidden. It eats him up alive and makes him tremble out of rage towards himself, disbelief at his own stupidity. He feels emotions he doesn’t want to feel. Emotions that will kill the current him.

He’s ruined everything, he knows – one slip and it’s all gone. Nothing matters anymore.

A violent defence mechanism hits him and suddenly he knows that he absolutely _has to_ get rid of his current life. It needs to go away. He needs to kill the current him and reflect someone who can bear the mistakes he’s done.

He cries bitterly and silently in his pillow. He just isn’t able to understand how it hadn’t felt so bad when he had done it.

If it would’ve, maybe the biggest mistake of his life could’ve been avoided.

\--

Kame finds a job. It’s not really a good one and the salary is outrageously low, but Kame insists it’ll have to do until he gets something better. He wants to be useful. Jin understands.

That’s how Kame starts his work as a telephone salesman. Jin isn’t exactly certain if many hours of stressful calling and getting rejected daily is what Kame needs, but he wants to give him some space. He has his own work to deal with and the various CVs he keeps mailing whenever he comes across a more artistic photography job than the regular band shots.

“Help me more,” Kame asks from him more surely one day as they sit lazily opposite to each other around the kitchen table, enjoying steaming cups of green tea. Jin examines Kame’s hand by pressing the softening flesh with his fingers. It yields from his touch, but doesn’t smoothen afterwards. He winces and tries to force it smooth before Kame pulls his hand away snappily, lips pursed. “Stop it. It looks malformed.”

“I’m sorry!” Jin cries out. “I didn’t mean to.”

“You never do,” Kame sighs heavily and rolls his eyes. “I’m softening. That’s what you wanted. It’s just not right yet. The hurt is milder now but I still can’t get things back together.”

“Maybe you should be more independent,” Jin suggests wonderingly and takes Kame’s hand in his own again, trying to smooth it back to normal. “You know. Make your own decisions as you see fit.”

“I do,” Kame objects. “Don’t give that much credit to yourself.”

“Maybe you should try to fix yourself more,” Jin tries insisting gently, a small and gentle smile on his lips as he looks at Kame and pecks his palm gently. “…Just… do what you want. Be strong but… don’t block things.”

“I’m really fucked up,” Kame sighs heavily and leans his head to his free hand. Jin licks his lips.

“…We’re both, really,” he admits reluctantly, gaze diverting away. “But… we’re better together.”

Kame smiles a bit more widely and smacks his cheek gently with his palm after removing it from his hold. “Cheesy.”

“If it keeps you loving me,” Jin teases back and tickles Kame’s calf with his toes clumsily under the table. Kame jolts backwards with his chair and bursts into laughter. The happiness reaches his eyes and makes them shine brightly.

“I want to stay like this forever,” Jin admits, voice strained with the pain from the fear of rejection. “With you. No more stupid mistakes. I want to cuddle you in bed and laugh with you every day.”

“ _Cheesy_ ,” Kame laughs again and kicks him under the table. His smile only gets brighter and more secure. Jin loves the way it makes his eyes turn into thin lines, he adores the way Kame’s already high cheeks rise up and teeth shine white and straight from amidst the scarred skin.

He takes a hold of Kame’s foot and presses the ankle between his knees, starting to massage the younger man’s sole. Kame winces (it’s because he’s so ticklish) and licks his lips nervously but eventually his body relaxes again and he leans comfortably against the back of his chair, hands resting on his lap.

“We’re going to be alright, you know?” Jin notes him, even though he’s actually speaking more to Kame’s foot than to his face. It’s just that he feels so nervous. “This time we’re going to be alright.”

“I know,” Kame sighs contently.

Jin smiles a bit and hugs Kame’s foot, making the younger man yelp as he almost falls off his chair due to the sudden pull. He kisses the heel gently and rests his forehead against the sole, playfully yet affectionately.

“Laugh with me more like you used to,” he requests. “Maybe I’ll just have to get more amusing so you will. Hmm~”

Kame laughs and pushes with his foot gently. It’s playful too.

“You’re such an adorkable idiot,” he hums with delight in his voice. It chimes from the walls and sooner than Jin is really able to realise it, it’s almost as if the entire apartment would be making a pretty little melody that rings all around them over and over again. It’s like a new-born baby, even though their love isn’t all that “new”, to be honest.

It doesn’t matter. He just can’t wait to press Kame against the mattress again and snap a few well-aimed photos that annoy the younger man to the point of snapping at him.

Their domesticity is lovable after all.

\--

Kame’s eyes are flooded with hurt. It’s raw and painful and makes Jin feel like he’s the one who’s getting crushed. He feels like everything inside his skin shatters into pieces.

It’s silent. Kame doesn’t really say anything. Jin watches as the light in his eyes dies. Eventually they fill with disbelief and despair. He doesn’t even shake his head, no, just stands still where he is, letting the truth slowly sink in.

“That’s about it,” Jin says like it’s nothing at all, if not for anything else then to at least protect his own ego and self-confidence. He isn’t that bad, not really. Things had happened, yes, and that has always been how life rolls. They’re only teenagers, it’s not like it would’ve lasted forever anyway. It definitely wouldn’t have. And he wouldn’t even have wanted it to. He’s too young to settle down. Too inexperienced.

A couple of tears fall from Kame’s eyes and he gulps, gaze diverting away from his face and finally setting to the ground. Kame wipes the damp lines from his cheeks away and sniffs miserably as he leans against the foyer wall.

“Oh come on,” Jin tries to laugh it off. “This happens all the time, you know, it’s not _that_ bad. I’ll just go, there’s no reason to be around anymore.”

Kame bites back bitter tears and Jin sees the flash of harsh and negative emotions all mixed together on his face. He looks disgusted, hurt, furious, broken and desperate to _not believe_ , but he can’t not hear Jin’s confession anymore.

Jin scoffs smugly to defend himself against the flood of emotions that try to affect him. He fights them with all his might and turns away, unable to face Kame anymore. He doesn’t want to feel it.

So he walks away, regret growing with every step.

He hears the sound of Kame’s door being drawn shut and that’s it. They’re out of each other’s lives.

\--

The alarm clock rings. Kame slams it off without raising his head from the pillow and grumbles. He sighs heavily and snuggles closer against Jin, arms wrapped around his wider form lazily. Jin is so sleepy it feels like the time has slowed down to be at least thrice the time it should be, second after second.

Kame feels soft and normal. He looks undisturbed as he lies there right before him on the mattress. Jin examines him through his half-lidded and tired eyes, caresses his naked side gently and leaves his fingers pressing against the left side of the younger man’s chest. He feels the slow heartbeats and smiles.

“What?” Kame murmurs to him and lets out a heavy breath as he starts to wake up slowly. Jin snuggles up closer to him and kisses his plump lips lazily with his own full ones, enjoying the touch and small pulls from the other man. Enjoying the shared closeness.

“Nothing,” he answers and Kame moans something before he buries his face in his pillow, making Jin chuckle. “Kame…”

When Jin caresses Kame’s arm, the flesh feels soft and the shape recovers with the same speed his fingers withdraw. Kame feels soft, healthy and humane. He feels Jin and takes him in, yet he’s soft and firm enough to take it only as a touch. He recovers, Jin notices and hums contently as he sits up and tickles Kame’s side gently, making his body jerk away from his fingers.

It’s a lazy morning filled with a few golden rays penetrating the curtains from small cracks and drawing pretty lines on the floor and walls. Jin knows he has work to get ready for and photographs that need to be taken, but it doesn’t matter. He’ll just run when he has to.

He takes the camera from his table and focuses it on Kame’s face. Kame smiles and tries to slap the lens away. “Stop it. I’m hideous.”

Jin snaps a few pictures nonetheless and smiles to himself before he leans down to capture Kame’s lips again, feeling subtly aroused as he caresses Kame’s chest with his palms.

“A few odd scars don’t make you hideous,” he objects as Kame takes the camera from his hands and checks the pictures with a grimace. “You’re just the same as ever. It’s just a few lines. They’ll fade with time.”

He hears the shutter go off and Kame smiles mischievously. He flushes red and tries to wrestle the camera away from the amateur’s fingers, wailing and laughing as he does.

Kame’s smile and body language depicture Jin’s sweetest memories of his youth. The world shines in vibrant colours of unimaginably many shades and his senses get flooded by the sound of the creaking bed legs, shifting mattress and Kame’s melodic laughter.

He photographs their entwined pinkies.

The world goes on like a rollercoaster as always, but the seat next to him is taken and Kame’s place there stays stabile.

He wouldn’t change it for anything. Not anymore.


End file.
